20. A film review

Year level: 10

Home language: Karen

Year level: 10

Home language: Dinka

Year level: 10

Home language: Punjabi

Year 10

Home language: Karen

Commentary

The review follows the structure requested and includes all the requested elements. The paragraph commenting on cinematic elements of the film is not as strong as the narration of the plot or the recommendation about the film. Sentence level grammar errors and some vocabulary errors are noticeable, and while the intended meanings are generally clear, these problems detract from the credibility of the writing. The student has mistaken the author of one of the modelled reviews, Leigh Paatsch, for the writer of the film. There is a high frequency of errors with linguistic structures and grammar. These include errors and clumsiness in sentence structures where expression of complex ideas is attempted, such as in paragraph two ‘the children got lie for the government’ (meaning ‘the children were lied to by the government’). There are problems with verb tenses used (the use of simple past to talk about the film in the first paragraph, then the use of simple present to describe the plot in the second). There are errors in some verb forms, including an error of subject-verb agreement ‘the light are always around the victims..’, problems with errors in auxiliary verb choice, the children got lie to for the children were lied to. These often relate to difficulties in using passive verbs. Correct verb forms are used, (such as ‘they broke their promise) although some times in the wrong context, as in the parent doesn’t want him (for the parents didn’t want him’ . Some vocabulary errors are made e.g. the setting place (for ‘the setting’) and English (for England). There are some words written correctly at one place an incorrectly at another children/childred, some use of inappropriate pronouns, such as they broke their promise and treat him badly’ (instead of them,) theirself, for themselves. Despite these errors, the review conveys a strong understanding of the film, and suggests the student doesn’t yet have adequate control over English structures to always adequately convey the extent of their understanding and ideas. The concluding sentence is an interesting, perhaps culturally-influenced, perception of the student about the moral of the film – not trusting people you don’t know.

The marked criteria sheet shows that the student meets most criteria at level 2 of performance of the task.

The student’s language use in this task is consistent with the descriptions of students at early Level C3, Victorian Curriculum F-10 EAL.

Using this assessment for further learning

1. Missing subjects and verbs

• Point out to the student there are some problems of missing subjects and verbs in paragraph 1.

Ask the student to insert the missing subject or verb in the sentences below:

2. Passive verb forms

• point out to the student that there are some places where the writer tries to describe something happened to someone.
• show how a passive verb form can be used to express this type of meaning. You could use examples from the film.
• Ask the student to complete the table by using a passive rather than active verb

3. Not quite, but nearly, the right word or words

In the text the meaning of some words or phrases is clear, but the expression is not quite right!

Use the list given to identify expressions that are not quite right, and then write the correct form for each expression in the table.

on their own              the setting                  English           thousands of children          themselves     oranges          always

Year 10

Home language: Dinka

Commentary

This sample is a fluent review that provides the elements suggested by the task sheet. The writing is quite comprehensible, although some errors are evident. The content of the ideas is quite sophisticated. There is tendency for sentences to be rather long, and in some places the boundaries between sentences are not clear. The student uses longer sentences successfully most of the time to connect ideas and event. There is quite good control of tenses and verb forms, use of simple past to recount the plot and simple present to describe the film. There is a range of descriptive language in the text, achieved through the use of a wide range of verbs and the use of adjectives such as in ‘horrific story’. There are some spelling errors, such as ‘emtyness’, and some misplaced capital letters. ‘Margret’ is misspelt, and there is some clumsy expression such as ‘Oranges and sunshine is greatly acted out…’. The intended meaning of one word in the second last sentence of the second paragraph is not clear, ‘most of the children grew up in birdoo(?)’ However these quite numerous, but relatively minor errors don’t interfere with the reader’s ability to understand what is being said, and don’t detract significantly from the credibility of the text.

The marked criteria sheet shows that the student meets most criteria at level 3 of performance of the task, with some at level 4.

The student’s language use in this task is consistent with the descriptions of students at Level C4, Victorian Curriculum F-10 EAL.

Using this assessment for further learning

1. ‘Clumsy’ expression

• Explain to the student that there are some sentences in the text that while being comprehensible, are not expressed in the way they usually would be in English.
• Match such sentences from the text, in the left column of the table below, with a more usual expression of the idea in the right column. Draw a line to show which sentences match.

Ask the student to carefully check the differences between the sentences and their matching model sentence, and underline the corresponding, but different phrases in the two sentences. You could suggest they use the model sentences to substitute for the original sentence next time they revise or rewrite the text. Point out that the model sentences are usually shorter.

2. Overly long sentences

• Discuss with the student the advantages and disadvantages of long and short sentences in a text like this.
• Ask the student to rewrite each of the following sentences form the text in a series of shorter sentences:

(a) Some of those adults were tortured, raped, humiliated when they were children as they grew up in different places different places most of them grew up in ?? and as they were exposed to such things some wanted to commit suicide and others ended up in mental hospitals.

(b) Also, some of the scenes could have been explained more to the audience like the scene where the children were scared as the heard to priests’ footsteps afraid that the priests were coming for them.

3. Passive verbs

• point out where the student has successfully used passive verbs., such as: were taken, were lied to, some of these adults were…raped, often be seated.
• ask the student to check the text, and look for places were there are errors in the sue of passives, and correct them.

Year: 10

Home language: Punjabi

Commentary

This sample is a successful completion of the task, and successfully follows the structure the students were given as a guide in completing the task. The film is named, along with details of director in paragraph 1, and the basic outline of the story is provided. In the following paragraphs information is given about the plot and themes, issues are identified. The third paragraph moves to describe cinematic devices used in the film, while the fourth comments on the ways the actors play their roles. The review concludes with a statement as to why people should see the film.

The writing is clear and competent, though some characteristics of EAL student writing are evident. There are a few long and clumsy sentences, some minor grammatical errors, and some errors of punctuation. Some of these are consistent through the text, such as addition of ‘s’ to the end of children, formation of the letter ‘s’ at the beginning of words that looks as if it is capitalized, which is not evident when ‘s’ is in the middle of a word, and consistent misspelling of Margaret Humphreys’ surname. A common sentence used in website descriptions of the movie, referred to in the annotation of sample 1, also appears in this text. The sentence about apologies from British and Australian Prime Ministers is not well connected to the rest of the text.

The marked criteria sheet shows that the student meets most criteria at level 4.

The student’s language use in this task is consistent with the descriptions of students at Level C4, Victorian Curriculum F-10 EAL.

Using this assessment for further learning

1. Checking the originality of your work.

• Remind the student of the emphasis given to originality in academic work.
• Point out the sentence that appears in many websites about the movie. Ask the student to revise the sentence to make it original. If necessary use activity 3 in the annotation on sample 1 of this task.

2. Proof reading check list

• Ask the student to look at this list of common errors made in student writing. Ask them to check their draft to make sure they haven’t made any of these mistakes: